Minstrelite ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Torn Between Two Worlds You know something? I just don't know where I've been lately. I was on the meds, and working at the voice studio, and trying really hard, and working with the kids, and teaching the classes, and living in the cottage, and running four days a week, and making money, and staying focused. Sure, my boss had his issues, but why did I quit without having something lined up? What happened? Why did I lose the cottage? But I'm already off-track. My life now is almost the opposite of all that. I'm not working, and I'm barely making it. I think that if I hadn't have gone back on the meds, I might not even have focused enough to have realized this. This city always draws me in like a magnet. And the last time I was here, didn't I practically flee to get back to the Bay Area? I am neither in the Village nor in the Great City, I am here in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and walking in it every day and every night. What I've been doing is just insane. I must have been horribly lonely in the Bay Area, and when I became homeless there was no one to help me, but here, no sooner did I arrive, than I immediately met all kinds of musicians and started playing all kinds of music. Hey, wait a minute -- maybe that's not all that bad. Like Sara just said, bear with me, I'm tired. After I finished the last entry, I chatted with my daughter for a while, then of course I went to Living Water and saw that girl. But this time I didn't grasp or desire, I was being good. Then came time to play the piano, and this time Erin was playing the ukelele, and she and I were harmonizing on the vocals, and Chris was playing acoustic guitar, and J. W. was playing acoustic bass. It was a lot gentler than last night. I was lighter on the keys, and more sensitive. And we were all in the same groove. Now I do like the song "Friend of the Devil," despite any odd counter-religious connotations in the title. I just like that song. We did that, and a bunch of old stuff like "Act Naturally" and "California Girls" and just had a great ol' time. Then they forced me to do "Summertime" and Dana played the clarinet again, it was just a duet. Everything was nice and breezy, and now I'm at the Singer-Songwriter Night at the Internet Cafe. Jean-Claude just played the African drum and he's talking about his Christian tradition, related to his tribe. He's really interesting -- he's given talks at all the local high schools and everything. But what am I doing with myself? bj asked me why I'm not just staying at home more of the time, rather than walking around in all the intense heat. And she's got a point. At first I got all defensive about it, but I think the time has come to simplify my life. It's one thing to hang around interesting artists and musicians, but it's another thing to O. D. on it. There needs to be a healthier balance in my life. This morning I did stay at home for a long time talking with my housemates, and one of the things we talked about was money management. When I get my check on the 3rd of the month, I need to pay my rent off the top, the laptop rent, forget the cell phone, get a disabled bus pass, and I'll have exactly $195. I ought to be able to eat on that figure. I just can't keep acting like I have more money than I actually have. Oh man, I am torn between two worlds. Pretty soon I'll be walking the Valley of the Shadow of Death again. I hope that security guard is alone tonight. I need a friend. It's weird how some people just sense that you're a good person, and to others you have to state that you are, and then somehow you wind up doing everything you can unconsciously to prove that you're not. Sort of like the difference between talking to a security guard and talking to an undercover cop. But I'm tired. I hope I made some sense. 9:16 pm - Thursday, Jul. 24, 2008 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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